The Golden Pecker Read online

  After about ten minutes of looking at pictures of mom’s whipping out their milk makers and reading up on the difference between the football hold and the reverse grip upside down cradle style, I was convinced nothing about breastfeeding was appropriate for a dummy. In fact, I was starting to wonder why they didn’t offer degree courses at universities across the country on the subject.

  Something warm and furry moved between my legs. I jumped back with an annoyed groan. I lifted my laptop to find Montague the ferret pawing at me. I swatted him away, but I knew he’d be back as soon as he thought I forgot. Little creep.

  I pulled up the word processor on my laptop, but instead of the “Breastfeeding for Dummies,” I wrote, “How to Tie Down a Dickweed.” I grinned to myself at the thought of tying Landon to a bed and watching the smug confidence slip off his face for once.

  Without any clear purpose in mind, I started to write.

  The first step to tying down a dickweed is to avoid getting attached. Attachments are weakness, and you will need all of your strength to overcome the dickweed’s tendency for manipulation. The dickweed is notorious for using his physical gifts to distract and confuse its prey. But you will not be prey. This time, you will be the hunter. You’ll hop on that dickweed and you won’t let go until he comes wi-

  I paused, re-read the last sentence, then held the delete button for a few seconds.

  You’ll take control of the situation and won’t give it up until you’ve got your chains tied tight around his wrists. And that’s when you walk away, leaving him with a malignant case of blue balls.

  I stopped typing when I realized Rachel was breathing over my shoulder. I also noticed her breath smelled like Cheetos. “Who eats Cheetos for breakfast?” I asked.

  “Forget that,” she said, staring at my computer. “What is this?”

  I snapped the laptop shut and scooted away from her. “Nothing.”

  “Are you seeing someone?”

  “What part of any of that made it sound like I was seeing someone? And actually, I gotta go early today. There’s some stuff going on with the will I need to look into.”

  “Hey,” she said, frowning as she clearly pondered some deep, troubling idea. “Could you clean up what you were writing and make it kind of like a satire column? You know, like female empowerment meets Sex and The City meets Fifty Shades of Grey?”

  “That’s going to be a ‘no,’” I said. “If the dickweed in question ever figures out I work for you and gets nosy, I’d die of embarrassment.”

  “What, if he realizes you’re fantasizing about tying him down and his big, blue balls?”

  I grinned. “Yes. Something like that. So, forget it.”

  Rachel chewed the end of her pen. “Think about it. Maybe I’d even pay you on time for something like that.”

  “When I’m ready to risk the most uncomfortable moment of my life for a big three dollar pay day, I’ll let you know.”

  8

  Landon

  Andi left the shabby apartment building around noon. I hopped out of my car and jogged toward her.

  I called out to get her attention as I was crossing the street.

  She stopped and turned like she was expecting to have to fend off a crazy person. When she saw it was me, her expression hardly changed. I had to admit there was still something about her look I liked. I still couldn’t decide if she was innocent and naïve, or if her confident front was real. All I knew was that I’d resorted to stalking her so I could get the truth off my chest before things got any further.

  Originally, I’d just planned on telling her when she showed up to the club after my conversation with James. It had been a week since that day at my mom’s apartment, and Andi had been like a ghost. Considering I had the authority to go to the lawyers at any minute and call this whole thing off, I thought it was either stupid, brave, or both for her to assume I’d wait around.

  I’d lasted a full two days before I made my first weak excuse to wander the lobby of the hotel in search of her. When that proved fruitless, I got more desperate. I even found myself walking the halls of the upper floors on the off chance that I’d cross her path. I’d like to say my need to find her was purely to unburden myself and explain who I really was. Partly, that was true. But there was another side of me that simply wanted to see her again—to feel that slight rush of electricity I’d felt when I was leading her through the club on my arm.

  So, I’d sat outside the hotel in my car and waited to catch her leaving. And I may have sort of followed her to her job. Once I saw the apartment she went to, I was able to do a little detective work on my phone and found the blog she helped with.

  Was I neck deep in stalker territory by now? Yes. Did I give a shit? No.

  “What the hell are you doing here?” Andi asked.

  “You seem to think this all gets to happen on your schedule,” I said. I was beginning to realize I should’ve planned what I was going to say. I’d been so focused on finding her that I had let the details of the conversation be an afterthought. Now, the same, old anger at my father was creeping in and coloring my words. “Either you finish the list and stop wasting my time, or I’ll go to the lawyers. Tonight.”

  She held her hands up and looked around helplessly. “And you thought stalking me was the best way to get me to come back to your creepy club?”

  “No,” I said. I still wasn’t sure if I was tracking her down because I wanted to use my father’s list to break her or if I just wanted more of her. Whatever it was, I knew I needed to do what I’d come here to do first.

  I clenched my teeth. Tell her now. This is the moment where it makes sense. Say that you’re William’s son, and you let your anger over how he replaced you leak into this whole thing, but now you’re ready to be reasonable—to simply hand her the share of his hotel and walk away. Even as the thoughts skidded around my mind, I knew I wasn’t going to take the smart route. I was going to do something stupid, to chase that faint, dark thread of desire I felt for Andi.

  The truth seemed to come together all at once in my head.

  I didn’t care about making her prove she deserved a share of the hotel. I didn’t even care about my father’s vague promise of some greater reward if I finished the list with Andi. I simply wasn’t ready to give her a ticket out of my life. I wanted more. Greedily, I wanted the excuse to keep her tethered to me, even if it was only for the duration of the list. And some small part of me still liked the idea that if this all went to hell, it’d still be a final “fuck you” to my father for being foolish enough to try to force us together.

  “Well?” she asked. “Are you going to just growl ‘no’ and keep staring at me like I’m a turd on your carpet, or are you going to explain why?”

  The truth. Tell her the fucking truth, Landon.

  “Because I tried my damndest not to like you from the moment I heard your last name. And despite my best efforts, I find myself not hating the idea of spending time with you.”

  She stared for a few seconds before cocking her head to the side. “Is that like the world’s most backward way of saying you like me?”

  I found myself chuckling and shaking my head. When I’d planned to tell her the truth, it certainly hadn’t been that truth. But maybe it was a start. “Let’s not get carried away,” I said. “All I’m saying is that it’s not entirely unpleasant to be around you.”

  “Jesus,” Andi said, laughing. She bit her lip, then smiled. “I can tell you’re trying to say something nice, so I’m going to choose to just read between the lines and say thank you.”

  I nodded.

  Andi tapped her foot, almost like she was trying to stop from saying what she was about to say. “I’m sorry I disappeared on you. Honestly, I think I got scared. I went into that club to talk sense into you and wound up watching a woman get banged on stage with the handle of a whip. And then there was you.”

  I raised an eyebrow.

  She looked up at me with a slightly bashful expression. “I�
��m just saying it wasn’t… horrible. And it’s important to me that I finish the list because it’s what my grandpa wanted. So, no. I still don’t really trust you, but I’m strongly considering moving forward.”

  I hadn’t realized I stepped closer to her, but we were standing very close. Close enough that I could catch the hint of soap on her skin. I felt my nostrils flare as I tried to devour every hint of her fragrance.

  “I’m pleased to hear that,” I said. The light changed and let a large group of pedestrians cross the street and come toward us. We were pushed even closer together as the crowd of people shuffled by.

  Once they were gone, neither of us moved. My hands had naturally found their way to her hips, and I was suddenly aware of how close her lips were—how easily it would be to claim them in mine.

  Instead, I took a step back. It felt like bursting a bubble that had surrounded us. As much as I wanted to take everything she had to offer, something was holding me back. Maybe it was not knowing if I only wanted her as some deranged way to get back at my father. Or maybe I just knew how much of a mistake it would be to let things between us solidify when I was still hiding such a huge secret.

  “I was planning on going to one of my favorite places this afternoon. I’ll take you with me.”

  “You’ll take me with you? Like kidnapping? I think the phrase you’re searching for is, ‘would you like to join me?’” When I’d stepped back from her, it looked like she had been holding her breath. But she was recovering back to her normal self quickly enough, it seemed.

  I gestured. “Sure. That.”

  Andi sighed. “For the record, I’m not going to serve as your translator from grumpy dick to polite forever. But yes, I’ll go with you, as long as you’re not under the impression this will be a date, or something.”

  “You can call it whatever you like. And so can I. I’m calling it a date.”

  Andi rolled her eyes but smiled.

  “So, where does somebody who spends their time in a seedy, underground club called The Golden Pecker go for a date, exactly? Were you going to take me on a tour of Bram Castle to see the inspiration for Dracula? Maybe a museum of torture implements? Oh, even better! We could go to a Hot Topic at the mall, maybe pick out a costume for you to wear tonight.”

  “None of the above.” I said. “But I do like surprises.”

  Andi looked toward my car, clearly considering her options. I was surprised to find myself anxiously awaiting her response.

  She finally let out a long sigh. “You’re lucky I love surprises too. And I’m way too curious for my own good. I’ll go.”

  9

  Andi

  “An aquarium?” I asked. “I have to admit, this is almost anticlimactic. Like, I was seriously expecting you to pull into some secret cave and tell me you were introducing me to your family. And I thought your family would be a bunch of bats.”

  Landon ignored me and walked up to the counter while I wandered the gift shop. I stole a glance his way when I saw how long it was taking him to pay. He was leaning forward and talking with the girl at the register in a hushed voice.

  A surprising spike of jealousy shot through me. Had he seriously asked me on a date and now he couldn’t even make it through the door without flirting?

  I tried to casually get closer until I could hear some of what they were saying.

  “Yes,” the girl said. “Your season pass includes one guest for free. We’re not really supposed to…”

  “Can she use mine?”

  The girl sighed, then smiled. “Forget it. I won’t tell anyone if you don’t.” She grabbed two orange wristbands, scribbled something on them with a marker, and handed them to Landon.

  “You’re a lifesaver,” he said, rapping his knuckles on the counter before heading toward me. When he saw me looking, his face fell.

  “What was that about?” I asked.

  Landon cleared his throat and grabbed my wrist, wrapping the band around it. “She was just confused about something,” he mumbled. The innocent touch of his fingertips on my arm was like electricity. It brought me back to the street and the way he had been so close. I was certain he was about to kiss me, as insane as that would have been, and then it was like that switch in his head had flipped again.

  “What is a dolphin encounter, exactly?” I asked.

  “You’ll love it. Don’t worry about it. We’ve got about an hour to look around before we need to be at the dolphin tanks. They’ll explain everything when we get there.”

  He was still wearing his tailored suit and tie, but I felt like I was seeing him in a different light here. Just a touch of that ominous, I’d like to eat your face off, vibe about him had dissipated. If I didn’t know better, I’d say he was excited to be here. He should’ve looked wildly overdressed, but the way he wore his suit so comfortably made him look right at home.

  I noticed his tie was off center, just like Grandpa Willy’s always managed to become. I instinctively reached out, gave it a little tug, and then patted his lapels once it was straight. Except the face looking down at me wasn’t wrinkled, kind, and a little bit goofy. There was only iron and heat in Landon’s eyes.

  “Force of habit,” I mumbled, taking a step back to get me out of his personal space. “Don’t go getting a boner about it, weirdo.”

  He said nothing, but I could feel his eyes on me for a few more seconds before he continued walking toward the first set of tanks in the aquarium.

  It was the middle of the day on a weekday, and apparently, that meant the aquarium was almost completely empty. It was also oddly quiet, except for the occasional bubbling gulp of a tank or the hum of pumping equipment.

  “It’s freezing in here,” I said. “You should’ve warned me to bring a jacket.

  Landon slid his suit jacket off and offered it to me. The inside lining was trimmed in a deep, scarlet color. Somewhat grudgingly, I took the jacket from him and draped it over my shoulders. “Thanks,” I said. “Jesus, why do you smell like that?” I lifted the arm and gave it another, closer sniff. “If I close my eyes, I can see a shirtless guy in black and white… and he’s riding a horse on the beach with a polo stick in his hand—but I don’t even know what a polo stick looks like.”

  Landon frowned. He looked uncharacteristically self-conscious, which I guiltily enjoyed. “Is it bad? I just picked it up from the dry cleaner’s this morning, so-”

  “No,” I said, sniffing again and then shaking my head in irritation. “I just mean what’s the point? It’s like ice cream tastes and looks good enough as it is. We all know how good it would taste. It doesn’t need to try to lure us in even harder by smelling good. It just looks the way it looks and tastes the way it tastes. But imagine if ice cream filled up a room with a smell like cooking bacon, or something. It wouldn’t be fair.”

  “You’re saying I smell too good? And that you know I’d taste good?”

  I realized that was exactly what I’d been saying, even though I hadn’t meant to compliment him in the process. “I’m just wondering why you’re trying so hard to seduce me. What cologne is this? Desperation? Aggressive Seduction? Or maybe-”

  “I’m not wearing cologne.”

  I grabbed his hand and lifted his forearm to my nose, taking a deep sniff. “Oh,” I said. “Your skin just smells like that. Of course, it does. Do they scrape off bits of you and distill it to make cologne, or something?”

  He let his arm fall to his side and watched me with raised eyebrows.

  “Don’t look so smug,” I said, pushing past him. “I can think you smell good without wanting to jump in your jimmies, okay?”

  “Are you capable of making it a full thirty seconds without saying something strange?”

  “You looked at the menu, ordered the food, and you want me to apologize because now you decide you don’t like it?”

  “What?” Landon asked with clear exasperation in his voice.

  “I am what I am, and you asked me to come here with you. So, either deal with it,
or stop complaining.”

  I expected him to snap back at me, but he said nothing. He just turned his head to look at the fish in front of us.

  “What’s with the aquarium visit, anyway?” I asked. “This doesn’t seem like the kind of place I’d picture you going to.”

  “And what makes you think you know the first thing about me?” Landon asked. “Because of where I work? Because of my sexual preferences?”

  “Yes?”

  “And what sort of picture of you would I get using the same criteria? The twenty-something woman who works out of some mysterious apartment building?”

  “It’s not mysterious,” I said. “It’s a blog. I write articles for her.” I shrugged, feeling suddenly self-conscious. “Granted, it’s not a particularly successful one. But some day, I’d like to have my own website, or something.”

  “Or something?” Landon asked. “Like those books you talked about writing some day?”

  “I mean, I’d take writing books. Writing advertising. Journalism, whatever. There’s something about taking my personality and injecting it into a thought or idea on the page. I don’t know,” I laughed a little at myself. “It sounds dumb when I say it out loud.”

  “Not really,” Landon said thoughtfully. “It’s your passion. Never apologize for that.”

  I tucked a hair behind my ear. “And what about you? You act like my job is weird. Meanwhile, you’re Mr. BDSM. I mean, what’s wrong with plain old boinking, anyway?”

  “Sex, you mean?”

  “Yes,” I said. “Sex.” I lowered my voice, as if I was worried about the fish hearing us.

  “There’s nothing wrong with ‘plain old’ sex. It’s just that most people don’t understand what BDSM is really about. It’s not about some twisted kink or the costumes. It’s not even about the spankings or bondage. All of that is just a means to an end.”

  We passed by giant tanks of deep blue water as we talked, and Landon’s attention was split between me and the fish. He’d occasionally stop to rub his fingers over an informational plaque and glance at the words, but never read them—almost as if he already knew what they all said.