Kiss Kiss Fang Fang: A Sucky Vampire Romantic Comedy Read online

  Lucian’s nostrils flared again, and he still hadn’t stopped looking at me like he was on the verge of tossing the couch and rushing toward me to devour me. The scary part was that I wanted him to.

  “Put simply, we must not have intercourse. You would become like me if we did. I must also not feed on your blood. And there are a few other more ritualistic things we should avoid that we don’t need to concern ourselves with.”

  A surprised laugh slipped out of me. “I’m sorry, but have you considered that maybe you’re just crazy? Obviously, you’re really attractive. Maybe you’ve built up this fantasy world where women can’t resist you because you’re… what, a vampire? Maybe you’re just really hot and really tragically confused.”

  There was that smile again. It was disarming, like there was a more playful side to his personality he was keeping on a leash for now. It wasn’t a crazy person’s smile, I thought. Then again, Ted Bundy was dashingly handsome, too. It didn’t make him any less of a horrible person.

  “You can fill in whatever details you want about our situation, Cara. As long as we don’t sleep together, this will all pass, and your life will eventually return to normal.”

  I ran my palm down my mouth and searched the ceiling. “You mentioned danger. What would possibly be dangerous about knowing these things?”

  “There are others like me. Others who place very high value on not being known.”

  “Like that Bennigan guy and the two women?”

  Lucian nodded. “Others, too. But Bennigan has a talent for holding grudges. He’s the greatest danger. For now.”

  “Were you trapped in that wall? The one at Mercer House?” It felt like my brain was zig-zagging between a thousand unknowns and didn’t know quite where to start.

  “Yes. But that’s enough questions for now.”

  I folded my hands together, frowning at the man. “Let’s say I actually believe all of this. What am I supposed to do?”

  “Unfortunately, that part isn’t really up to you or me. The bond will force us to stay close. Very close. We’ll need to find a way to blend into each other’s lives.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Being away from each other will be like experiencing withdrawal from an addictive substance. You’ll need to stay here, and we’ll have to think of a way to make you blend in.”

  “No,” I said, laughing. “I have classes. Roommates. People don’t just disappear. I have no idea how long you were trapped in that wall, but there would be search parties and news stories if I vanished.”

  Lucian ran his thumb across his chin. “Then I will need to blend into your life as well.”

  I looked at his clothes and his ridiculously model-like features. “I don’t think you’re going to blend in to my life.”

  “Nor you to mine, but we’ll have to try.”

  There was a loud thump, then muffled curses as something heavy tumbled down the stairs in the other room.

  I got to my feet, looking toward the sound. “What was that?” I asked.

  Lucian looked like he was about to sigh. “That is my roommate. Vlad.”

  I looked at him through narrowed eyes. “You seriously have a roommate named ‘Vlad?’ Let me guess. He’s a vampire?”

  Lucian gestured in the direction of the noise. “See for yourself. But don’t get too close. Vlad has a fondness for torturing virgins.”

  “Did you just imply I’m a virgin?”

  Lucian’s lip twitched in amusement. “You smell like one.”

  I glared at him, unsure how I was even supposed to respond to that. But I decided I was in a weird enough situation that I should at least consider some of this could be true. So I cautiously approached the stairs.

  I saw a man with long ringlets of dark, curly hair and a five-o-clock shadow. He was currently face first on the ground, groaning.

  “Are you okay?” I asked.

  Vlad rolled to the side, resting his hands on his impressively round belly as he gasped for air. “Yes. I don’t feel pain.” He had a thick, stereotypically vampirey accent. He winked at me. With another grunt that I was starting to suspect was more for effect than out of need, he got to his feet and brushed off his clothes. He was dressed a little bit like a cross between a medieval duke and a swashbuckling pirate, with embroidered vests, leather pants, and boots with curled up toes.

  “I’m Cara,” I said.

  “Vunderful,” he said, rolling his eyes. Despite Vlad’s out of date style and lack of self-care, he still managed to appear strikingly handsome. Not my type, but handsome.

  “Lucian!” he called out, walking past me toward where me and Lucian had been sitting earlier. “You can’t bring your food home to toy with it. Not unless you want old Vlad to take a nibble first.” He barked out a laugh, then broke into a coughing fit.

  I frowned after the man. What the hell?

  “How do you two know each other?” I asked. Vlad was pouring himself a glass of liquor. He took a mouthful, swished it around, and then spit it violently into the trash can, wincing.

  “Vlad is exceptionally old,” Lucian said. “Ancient, actually.”

  Vlad gave a theatrical bow with a little circling wave of his arm and a flourish of his other hand. “They used to tell stories of me. Then they told stories about the stories. Now it’s all but forgotten.”

  I was still trying to come to terms with all of this, but only having one foot in the door of belief helped me to take the roommate situation in stride. “Is there any chance you used to impale people on sticks, Vlad?” I asked, moving to lean in the doorway. I’d been joking, but there was a sudden feverish excitement on Vlad’s face and a look of dismay on Lucian’s.

  “Please don’t ask him about torture,” Lucian said. “He will talk your ear off.”

  Vlad swooped closer to me so quickly I wasn’t sure I’d actually seen his feet move—or touch the ground. He was inches from my face, smiling wide and sinister. “You’re a fan of my work? I could show you a live and in person demonstration, if you wish it? I promise, nobody will ever poke you like I will poke you, dearie.” He sniffed deeply, then his grin widened. “A virgin, as well?”

  “Why is everybody here so intent on calling me a virgin? And smelling me?”

  “Vlad,” Lucian said, tone laced with warning. “You will keep your hands off the virgin. She’s mine.”

  Vlad made a pouty face but wiggled his eyebrows as he slid backwards from me. “Another time, perhaps.”

  “For the record, I’ve never confirmed or denied this virgin thing you two keep assuming,” I said, though it sounded like neither of them cared to listen.

  “No. You will not be impaling Cara at any point,” Lucian said. “She’s not my food, either. The two of us are temporarily bonded, and I’m going to see to it that she gets to return to her normal life when it has passed.”

  “Perhaps I could torture her just for a little while and clear it from her memory afterwards? Surely you wouldn’t deny old Vlad that small favor?”

  “Surely I would,” Lucian said. He was standing now, and the way he was squared up with Vlad made me worried the men were about to start throwing punches.

  Except Vlad belched loudly, then went back to take another swig of liquor, which he spit out in the trash can a moment later. “Suit yourself, Lucy Boy. I won’t poke your pet. For now.” he turned toward us both with a maniacally raised eyebrow. “But I bet you will let him poke you before long, eh?” Vlad wandered off, cackling at his own joke.

  “I apologize for him.”

  “Neither of you ever actually said how you know each other.”

  “Vlad may not look like it, but he’s very powerful and feared. Well, he’s feared by those who haven’t met him recently. So long as I put up with his personality faults, Bennigan will not be likely to move against me and my family.”

  “Right,” I said, not really sure I believed any of what he was saying. Then again, it was hard to deny what I’d seen with my own eyes, assuming that was
n’t all some fever dream.

  I also couldn’t deny the fact that separating from Lucian didn’t feel possible right now. There was a physical need to be close. Even considering splitting up made me feel sick to my stomach, and that was something I needed to deal with, even if he was a delusional, hot lunatic who thought he was a vampire.

  8

  Cara

  Lucian drew the attention of just about anybody we passed with a functioning pair of eyes. I assumed a man who looked like he did was impossible to miss on a good day, but the way he was dressed wasn’t helping, either.

  I led him into a store where I hoped we’d find some updated clothes for him, even though he insisted on formal wear. At least it would be a modern suit, instead of whatever it was he was currently wearing.

  “Aren’t vampires supposed to burn up in the sun or something?” I asked as I held up a suit to his tall frame and tried to decide if it was a good fit.

  “No. The sun makes us mortal. It saps our energy, too, but it’s not fatal for an older vampire like myself.”

  I studied him. “Is that why you look kind of high right now?”

  His eyebrows furrowed together. “No. That would be because you are very short, and I am quite tall.”

  “No, doofus. High is like—”

  He flashed that disarming smile again. “It was a joke. Yes. I don’t feel myself in the sunlight, but the risk should be minimal. Bennigan won’t put himself in danger to face me in the open. He’ll want to find where we sleep and strike like a coward would, assuming that’s his plan.”

  I worked my lips to the side, setting down the latest suit. “We need to work on the way you talk if you want to blend in. ‘The risk should be minimal’” I mocked in a deep voice.

  “You’d prefer I talk like the locals?”

  “Can you?”

  Lucian’s eyes were half-lidded, and it was almost enough to make me laugh seeing him like that. He looked like he was about to start spouting off about how aliens were the ones who really built the pyramids. “I will increase my—” He paused. “I’ll try.”

  “See? Maybe you’re not completely hopeless.”

  It was taking everything I had to ignore the pulsing need I felt toward him. I was still allowing for the possibility that he was just a deranged hot guy who didn’t understand the effect he had on women. But I was also beginning to believe this was no ordinary attraction I felt. Even when I walked a few steps from him to go look for a tie, I felt pulled back to his side.

  The more dangerous part was how I felt like my normal barriers had been knocked down ahead of time. Things that should’ve seemed like too much and too fast didn’t instinctively feel wrong. I could imagine wrapping my arms around his arm and leaning into him. I could easily drape a tie around his neck and run my hands down his chest before stepping back to see how it looked.

  It all felt too easy, and I was currently engaged in a mental battle to stop myself from listening to my tainted instincts.

  He also had a way of looking at me like he’d been dreaming about me for years. It was an addictive amount of attention he seemed to shower onto me, but I needed to make sure I didn’t let myself get too comfortable with it.

  I’d decided to refer to Lucian’s current state as sun drunk. He really did appear out of it, and he was either crazy and a great actor, or what he’d said was true.

  I eventually collected five or six suits, ties, belts, and shoes I liked best for him to choose from. Lucian surprised me by buying all of them, apparently unconcerned about the price.

  Add rich to the growing list of descriptors for this guy, I thought.

  “What do you do for a living, exactly?” I asked while he pulled out conspicuous wads of cash to pay for his clothes. The money looked old, which made the cashier have to call her manager to verify it still would work at the bank.

  “What do you do for work, exactly?”

  “That’s complicated.”

  “Then try your best to help me understand.”

  Lucian paused in the shade outside, clearly still feeling somewhat off from the sunlight and not looking forward to going into it again. “I was an artist. Before,” he added.

  “Really? What medium?”

  “I painted. I also did some work with sculptures. But I don’t do that anymore. It reminds me of what I’ve lost.”

  Lucian was doing that hot guy thing where he kept clenching his jaw again and again, which made a bundle of muscles on his smooth jaw bunch and unbunch.

  Sensitive topic, it seemed.

  “Well, what do you do now? Or what were you doing before you got bricked up in a room for a hundred years.”

  “I was what you might have considered a law enforcement officer. But within the vampire world.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “Vampire cop? That sounds like some low budget sitcom.”

  “Vampires are still held to standards, even if they would all prefer to live outside any sense of order.”

  “Hmm,” I said. “Does this have anything to do with the Bennigan guy and why he seems to hate you so much?”

  “Do you always ask so many questions?”

  “Yes,” I said. “What do you do for fun?”

  Lucian looked down at me incredulously. “I like to brood in isolated castles on hilltops, especially if a thunderstorm is coming.”

  “Seriously. What do you like to do?”

  “I used to enjoy traveling. Seeing architecture and new things. Okay? Can we go on with your daily tasks yet?”

  “We still have plenty of time. I missed my morning classes for this, and I don’t need to be at my internship yet. You said used to. Why? You can’t travel anymore?”

  “Because reasons I don’t need to share with a human,” he said through clenched teeth.

  “But you kind of like this human, don’t you?” I teased.

  “I’m bonded to this human, which doesn’t give me much of a choice.”

  “Right,” I said. “You like me.”

  I stepped out into the sunlight and left him no choice but to follow behind me. He shielded his eyes and looked even more pale than usual but was keeping up with me all the same.

  “Okay,” I said. “First test is you need to come with me to my internship at Anya’s. If she asks who you are, we can just say you’re my boyfriend, okay?”

  Lucian was looking loopier the longer we walked around outside. I’d given him a pair of sunglasses to help disguise exactly how out of it he appeared. But he wasn’t even walking completely steady anymore.

  “Hey, are you in there?” I asked, nudging him.

  Lucian gave me a thumbs up.

  I grinned. I thought I liked him better when he wasn’t so in control. The big, hot, stumbling mess at my side was at least less intimidating. “Are you sure the sun isn’t going to kill you? You’re not looking so good.”

  “I may have neglected to mention my kind usually limits our time in the sun to very brief, necessary exposure. This is more than I’m accustomed to.”

  “What does that mean?”

  Lucian shrugged. “I suppose you may end up needing to drag me to our location.”

  I shook my head. “Not happening, shades. Come on, let’s pick up the pace and get to Anya’s.”

  Lucian managed to keep up until we got to Anya’s.

  Anya was wearing a thick, pink, fluffy bathrobe. Her hair was leaning to one side in an act of defiance towards gravity, and something was stuck in her eye. She grunted at me, then gave Lucian a curious look.

  “This big man is?” she asked as we headed down the stairs.

  “Drunk. And high, I think. But he’s, um,”

  “Her boyfriend,” Lucian interjected. “We’ve developed very strong feelings for one another. It’s quite serious.”

  As if to demonstrate his claim, Lucian put his arm around me and pulled me into the side of his chest. I felt myself blush both with embarrassment and with the explosion of mostly irrational horniness that blasted through me at the si
mplest touch from him.

  “He’s making it sound more serious than it is,” I said, trying to pry myself from his grasp.

  “No,” Lucian said with a calm, reassuring little chuckle. “I’m afraid, if anything, I’ve underplayed the intensity of our feelings.” We reached the basement, which gave Lucian the unfortunate chance to stop and tilt my chin up so I had to look into his obnoxiously amused eyes. “Every time I look at my darling Cara, I think my heart might burst.”

  “Your balls are going to burst if you don’t stop,” I warned through tight lips, hoping Anya wouldn’t hear me.

  He raised one of those thick, perfect eyebrows of his and grinned. “In fact, the thing I love most about her is how willful she is. How passionate.”

  I was going to kick his undead ass if I got the chance for this.

  Anya, who normally paid almost no interest to anything except her hopeless quest, was hanging on Lucian’s every word. “Star crossed love,” she whispered.

  “No, no,” I said quickly, stepping back from Lucian, which only let him smoothly take my hand and accidentally spin me in a kind of dance move I wasn’t supposed to be capable of. Next thing I knew, he had a hand on the small of my back and our bodies were pressed close together.

  “Yes, yes,” he said.

  Anya clapped her hands, then wiped at her eye. “Is beautiful. So beautiful.”

  I discreetly lifted my knees between Lucian’s leg in a ball-kicking equivalent of a warning shot. He flashed that dimple at me, then let me go. “She is, isn’t she?”

  “Why don’t you make yourself comfortable on Anya’s lovely couch?” I suggested. “I don’t know where you got all this sudden energy to profess your undying love for me, but just a few minutes ago you looked like you could really use a nap, right?” I added, giving him the eyes that said you had better play along, asshole.

  Lucian hesitated just long enough to let me know he was not just hot, ancient, and most likely a supernatural creature. He was also a devious flirt who enjoyed seeing me squirm. But after a few heartbeats, he dutifully yawned and nodded. “A nap would be rejuvenating.”