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  “I understand,” I say, turning to walk from the room.

  Something hard bangs into the back of my head. It hurts like hell. I slap a hand to the back of my head and turn, looking at the glass paperweight on the ground and at Julia, who’s standing behind her desk, arm still outstretched from throwing it at me. Fucking bitch. I rush to her desk and lift her by the shoulders, pressing her to the wall and pinning her there with my body. “You shouldn’t have done that,” I growl.

  There’s a crazed recklessness in her eyes. “I shouldn’t have fucked you either, but I did. I guess I’m a slow learner.”

  Just the mention of fucking gets my cock hard, and I feel it pressing into her as I pin her to the wall. I could take her right now. God, I’ve wanted this so badly, for so long. It’s taking everything in me right now not to kiss her, to run my hands across her body.

  “If I let you go, will you stop attacking me?” I ask.

  “No,” she says.

  I press myself harder into her, face dangerously close to her lips. “I don’t want to let you go,” I say, voice low.

  Her eyes fall to my lips and I see hers part. I crush my mouth against her. For a second, she’s stiff against me, but then her body melts into mine, hands squeezing into the hard muscle of my back. My tongue slides into her mouth and she moans against me. I slide my hand up her blouse, moving beneath her bra to cup her tit. Her hands tug at my belt and without warning, like cold ice water being poured on the heat of my passion, I know we need to stop. I push myself off her and see the confusion in her beautiful green eyes. Her lips and cheeks are flushed red, and her shirt is in disarray. She looks so unbelievably fuckable that I can’t believe I’m stopping, but I won’t make the same mistake again.

  The first time I took her in her office, I was selfish. I wanted what I came for and I took it when I wanted it, regardless of the consequences for her. This time I’m not going to sacrifice her well-being for my lust. I’m not going to risk her job or her happiness to get off. Not again. She deserves better than that.

  “Not here,” I say.

  It only takes a heartbeat for the last traces of passion to vanish from her face, replaced by a cold anger that has had years to fester. “Just leave then. That’s the only thing I can count on you to do.”

  I don’t let her see how much her words bite, turning and walking out of the office without another word.

  I look at the apartment building she lives in. I had to pull a favor with one of the Bianchi’s guys who finds information to get her address. It feels a little creepy, but I don’t really care. I’ll do whatever it takes to fix this mess I made for her. I’ve had a long time to think about everything that happened between us years ago, and I may not have all the answers, but I know she deserved better. She deserved a hell of a lot better, and if I can, I’m going to give it to her this time. The right way. I’m no saint though, I’m also hoping she’ll let me do more than just protect her. I want to be more than a guardian to her.

  I enter the apartment building through the front door and find a single, narrow hallway with a row of doors on both sides and a staircase leading up. The first door has a yellowing plaque that says “Landlord”. I knock twice and wait, feeling a little crazy. The door opens and a small, hunched woman missing more than a few teeth squints up at me. “Well, hello handsome,” she says, laughing so hard that she starts to cough.

  I smirk, moving closer to pat her back and help her to the couch inside her cramped apartment. “You okay, ma'am?” I ask.

  “Keep holding me like that and I will be.” She laughs again in a husky way that seems to inevitably draw coughing fits.

  I get her settled on the couch and then take a seat across from her on a folding lawn chair.

  “Did God answer my prayer for a boy toy, or are you here about an apartment?” she asks. The hint of laughter in her eyes lets me know she’s just fucking with me.

  “An apartment,” I say. “For now, at least.” I wink.

  She laughs again, slapping her knees and rocking on the couch as she coughs up something from deep inside her chest. “I’ve got a few available. Did you want the first floor or second floor?”

  “Second floor.”

  “There’s 203. That’ll be the nicest one. Barely been lived in since I renovated it last year. There’s 207 as well, but that one has seen better days. Same price, so…”

  “I’ll take 207,” I say. Julia’s room is 208, and I want to be as close as I can to her.

  She raises her eyebrows. “You sure, handsome?”

  “Yeah.” I stand, handing her an envelope with the first and last month’s rent and security deposit inside. “This should be everything.”

  She frowns in confusion, opening to leaf through the money as she speaks. “But I haven’t told you...oh. This is the right amount.” She starts trying to stand on her own, but I move to her side, taking her in my arms and helping her up.

  She hobbles to a drawer and opens it, rifling through what sounds like a pile of keys before she plucks one key out with a yellow piece of tape on the base that says “208”. I take the key and thank her, heading upstairs. The second floor is the same as the bottom floor, but someone wrote “Jazz” in red graffiti across the wall outside the staircase. I stand in the hallway, feeling my stomach turn over. I did this to her. I thought I was protecting her, but I abandoned her. I left her to this. Logically, I know I can’t be the only cause of her problems. She’s clearly still working as a therapist, which should be good money for a woman living on her own, but there must be something else going on. I hope it’s not drugs. Fuck. Thinking of Carlito and the way his eyes are always lidded and how his mind has been dulled is enough to know I never want her touching the stuff. But living in a place like this, I don’t know if I could blame her.

  I clench my fist so hard the key digs into my skin, squeezing until it hurts. I’m going to fix this. I don’t know how yet, and I don’t know what problems she faces, but I’m going to do everything I can to keep her safe and get her out of this mess.

  42

  Julia

  Lauren opens the door to her house looking a little harassed. Her hair is in disarray and her cheeks are flushed.

  “Is everything alright?” I ask.

  She forces a smile. “It’s fine. Just a little bit of a wild day with the kids.”

  My heart sinks. “Was Roman okay for you?”

  She hesitates. “He had a rough day, but really, it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle.”

  I hear the kids yelling in the background and then a loud thump. I cringe. “I’m sorry.”

  “Hey, you look like you had a worse day than me,” she says, gesturing for me to give her a hug.

  I wrap my arms around her and feel a surge of the emotion that has been threatening to break through. He’s back. He’s actually back. What the hell am I going to do?

  I’m forced to let her go when I hear Roman start to argue with Amelia. It sounds like they are fighting over a toy.

  “Why don’t you come in for coffee?” asks Lauren. “You look like you need to vent.”

  I smile a little guiltily. “Maybe a little.”

  “Do you want to play referee while I get a pot going or do you want me to?” she asks.

  “You get the pot started, I’ll break them up.”

  I find Roman standing on Lauren’s couch with a baby doll held high above his head. Amelia, who is about the same age as him, but a little more physically clumsy, is trying to climb the couch to get her doll back and Roman is stiff arming her every time she tries.

  “Roman Connors!” I snap.

  Both of the three year olds turn their heads toward me, mouths open in surprise and fear.

  “You give her that doll right now. I didn’t raise you to be a bully.” A wave of guilt passes through me when I wonder if maybe he learned to be a bully because he has spent his life seeing me get bullied by Ted. Is that what he thinks it is to be a man? To be a bully?

  Roman k
nows better than to put up a fight when I say his full name. He hangs his head and hands Amelia back her doll, even if it’s with a little more attitude than I would prefer.

  “Tell her you’re sorry.”

  “Sorry, ‘Melia,” he mutters.

  I watch the two of them go back to playing, already forgetting the drama, but I can’t. I know it’s just kids being kids, and yet I can’t help thinking about how selfish it is for me to push Leo away for my own personal reasons. The only question I should be asking is what’s best for Roman. Wouldn’t it be better for him to have a father figure? Not if that role-model is a violent killer.

  I sigh. Maybe I could give Leo another chance though, one last opportunity to show that he has changed or that he’s willing to. That is if he even wants to be involved in Roman’s life. I really don’t know what kind of man Leo is. I know he’s gorgeous, he’s a criminal, and he’s dynamite in bed—or at least on the couch. Beyond that, I don’t know nearly as much as I should.

  I sit across from Lauren at her kitchen table and warm my hands on the coffee mug. Roman and Amelia are disagreeing over who gets to be the fireman and who has to be the cat. Amelia ends up being the cat and sitting on the small cat scratching post, meowing and asking to be saved, while Roman pretends to spray her with water. I’m not sure he understands exactly what firemen do for a living.

  Lauren and I watch them for a little while, smiling. “So what’s going on?” asks Lauren.

  “He’s back,” I say.

  She was about to take a sip of coffee but sets her cup down quickly, leaning forward and bulging her eyes. “Him?”

  I laugh in disbelief and sadness. “Yeah. Him.”

  “What did he do? I mean, where did you see him? Did he call you?”

  “No. He showed up in my office.” I cover my forehead with my hand. “I kissed him. A little.”

  Lauren still hasn’t blinked. “Oh my God. What are you going to do?”

  I shake my head slowly. “I was hoping you could help me figure that out.”

  She sits back, smiling distantly. “To be honest? If he’s half as sexy as you say he is, I’d just sign up to be friends with benefits.”

  I sigh. “Lauren, I’m serious.”

  She smirks. “Me too. Nothing says you can’t be a sexually active woman and still be a good mother. Just make him wear a condom this time,” she says with a wink.

  I can’t help grinning a little. “You’re a bad influence on me.”

  She gives me a sympathetic look and shrugs. “Well, just remember. Seeing him again could either be a huge mistake or the best thing in the world for you.”

  I laugh. “That’s helpful. It’s a good thing you’re not a practicing therapist anymore because I’d personally sign the petition to get you fired.”

  “You sleep with patients and I couldn’t counsel my way out of a paper bag. We make quite the team.”

  “He was hardly a patient. He was only in my office for fifteen minutes, and we didn’t even start a therapy session.”

  Lauren grins wide. “Now who’s the shitty therapist?”

  Roman holds my hand as we head up the stairs to my apartment. I fumble for my key and put it in the lock. I’m about to open the door when the door to the vacant apartment beside mine opens. I look up in surprise, and then my surprise turns to absolute shock when I see who emerges. He wears a dark blue suit and a white undershirt with enough buttons undone to show his tanned chest and tattoos. His face is turned away from me as he locks the door. I clutch Roman’s hand even tighter.

  Leo. Leo fucking Citrione just stepped out of the apartment next door to me.

  Anger boils up in me. This man thinks he can do whatever he wants. He thinks the rules don’t apply to him, that he can just show up and force himself back into my life. “What are you doing here?” I demand.

  He turns, eyes finding me and capturing me effortlessly. I wish I didn’t feel so transfixed every time he looked at me. I wish he didn’t affect me like he does, but I can’t deny it. Just being near him is like a chemical explosion in my body. Just looking at him makes my mind flash with vivid memories of what he did to me on the couch in my office. I see his beautiful face between my legs, his huge cock positioned in front of my entrance, the muscles of his body cording and relaxing as he thrusted himself into me.

  “Mommy, who’s that?” asks Roman.

  His innocent little voice is like a knife in my stomach. Oh God. Why didn’t I get Roman inside the apartment first? What is Leo going to think when he sees that I have a child? Will he know it’s his? Will he care? I swallow hard, watching Leo’s eyes fall to Roman and narrow. He recovers quickly, kneeling and smiling at Roman.

  “Hey bud, I’m your new neighbor.”

  Roman rushes toward Leo, making my heart jump. His little hand is raised for a high-five. It’s his favorite thing to do with people.

  Leo gently slaps his hand.

  “Nice one!” says Leo. “Try this.” He holds out his tattooed hand in a fist and takes Roman’s wrist and guides Roman into a fist-bump.

  Roman looks in astonishment at his little fist, like Leo just taught him the secret of making fire. I have to keep from rolling my eyes. Really? I teach the kid the English language, how to eat, how rainbows work, and he’s more amazed by smashing his fist into someone else’s fist? It still makes me grin seeing him like this with someone. I’ve never seen him take to a man so quickly before. The only men he’s ever really had a chance to interact with are some of the older guys who live in the apartment and Lauren’s husband, who never has time to play with him.

  Roman sticks his finger out at Leo’s hand, where “TRUST” is spelled out above the knuckles on his right hand. “Why did you write on yourself?” he asks.

  Leo looks at his hand. “Because I wanted to make sure I always remembered what’s important.”

  Roman giggles. “That’s silly.”

  Leo gives him a serious look. “It’s never silly to find what you believe in, bud. A man has to stand for something, and once he knows what that is, he has to stick by it. That’s what makes him a man.”

  Roman looks thoughtful and then turns to me. “Mommy. Can you write on my fingers?”

  Leo and I both laugh, smiling at each other for a split second before I remember who he is and what he did to me. My face hardens, and I take Roman by the shoulders, pulling him back. “Yes. As soon as you eat your dinner. Why don’t you go ahead inside and get your hands washed.”

  “But I want to talk to Mr. Leo more.”

  “Mr. Leo made sure we will have to talk to him more when he decided to move in next door, honey. Go inside please.”

  Roman gives me his best pouting face but goes inside. Instead of hearing the faucet, I hear him rummaging through the drawer where I keep the sharpies and markers. Great.

  I lower my voice. “What do you think you’re doing?” I ask.

  Leo folds his arms, face hard and unapologetic. “I’m back in town. I needed a place. Coincidence, I guess. Cute kid.”

  My temper flares even more when he mentions Roman. “You stay away from him.”

  “Who’s the father?” asks Leo.

  “His father was an asshole,” I say. “It doesn’t matter anymore.”

  Leo’s phone buzzes in his pocket and he pulls it out, answering. “Yeah? Okay. Be right there.” He hangs up and then grins at me. “Don’t wait up for me, I’ll be back late.” Without so much as a backward glance, he walks past me and heads down the stairs.

  I stand in place, fuming, thinking about yelling after him to ask why he went out of his way to rent the apartment next door to mine, but I hold my tongue. How conceited would I look if I assumed he actually went to the trouble of renting a place just to live next door to me? But there’s no way. He’s up to something, and I have a pretty good idea what it is. I just wish I could press some magical button to turn off my attraction towards him. This would be so much easier if I could.

  More than that, I wish I knew what
was best for Roman. Seeing the way Leo interacted with him was more than a little surprising. I would have pictured him being cold and disinterested around children, but he was really sweet with him. As much as I try, I can’t help picturing the three of us eating dinner together while Leo ruffles Roman’s hair and tells him some inappropriate joke. The thought makes me grin. I did see a softer side to Leo all those years back when we were in the restaurant. I felt like there was another side of him, waiting to open up if I only found the right words.

  Once I’ve calmed down, I step inside to find Roman sitting cross-legged while he writes on his fingers. I kneel down. “Honey, that’s a sharpie. It doesn’t come off easily.” Each finger has a wobbly squiggle on it that I know is supposed to be a letter. “What does this one say?” I ask, pointing to his right hand.

  “Eggo,” he says proudly.

  I smirk. “And this one?” I point to the other one.

  “It says Leo.”

  43

  Leo

  I left early in the morning, before I heard any activity in Julia’s apartment through the walls. I was surprised by how much sound passes through the thin walls, but I drew the line at pressing my ear to it and listening. Overprotective, maybe, but I’m not a creep. Now, if she invites some asshole over to her place, I might have to break that rule to figure out when I need to knock and interrupt them. It’s a random thought, but it twists my gut. She has moved on. The longing I’ve felt for her is one-sided. She has a fucking kid. I’d be an idiot if I didn’t at least consider the possibility that it’s mine. The age would be about right, but I have no idea what she did after I left. For all I know she had wild, unprotected rebound sex the night I left. Could I blame her?

  Fuck. I clench my fists, wanting to hit something. She’s within her rights to fuck whoever she wants now, she always has been, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to break something.