The Golden Pecker Read online

  I narrowed my eyes. “That doesn’t make sense. I’d have known you if you worked with him. He always introduced me to his friends.”

  “Clearly not. He never even told you about The Golden Pecker. Besides, we weren’t friends. Not even close.”

  I mulled over the new information while we made our way through the basement and toward the wine cellar. “And what kind of business is The Golden Pecker, exactly?”

  “I imagine you’ll find out soon enough.”

  I silently mocked his words to his back while we walked. Bastard. I bet he thought he sounded so cool and mysterious. All I knew was that my initial impression of him had been dead wrong. He wasn’t a good guy. He was an asshole who was willing to let his grudge with my grandpa trickle down to me.

  We reached the far wall of the basement, which was lined from floor to ceiling with wine racks. Most of them were full of bottles, but Landon was eyeing an empty space as he fished for something in his pocket. He pulled out a keychain with a sculpted gold penis and balls about the size of his hand dangling from the end of it.

  “Uh,” I said slowly.

  He held up the key, then looked at it like he hadn’t properly noticed it in a while. “Your grandfather was always very mature,” he said. He’d looked amused for a moment, then seemed to forget he was supposed to be angry. Landon turned his back to me, stuck the penis in an empty slot on the rack, and twisted it.

  There was a metallic click. He pulled on the wine rack and the entire thing slid open, revealing that it was a false wall.

  I stared in disbelief. The opening led to a narrow hallway painted black and lined with candles. It looked like the kind of place Vlad the Impaler would’ve considered a totally sweet entrance to his bachelor pad.

  “Have you guys heard of electricity?” I asked. “I hear it’s a lot easier than keeping a few dozen candles lit in some obscure underground hallway.”

  “It’s something I might have mentioned to your grandfather a time or two.”

  I smiled to myself. He wasn’t very good being angry, I decided. I could tell that’s exactly what he was trying to do. Maybe that should’ve made me irritated with him, but it only made me curious.

  “In here,” he said, gesturing me through a doorway.

  I had to squeeze past him to get into the room. In an effort to make it less awkward, I turned my back to him, which only made things worse. My ass brushed right across his crotch. I stared wide-eyed at the wall, and then did my best to pretend nothing had happened.

  The room was set up like a private theater with about twenty plush leather chairs all arranged in a semi-circle around a huge projector screen. I twirled slowly, taking the place in. “So, The Golden Pecker is what, like a movie theater? Is this one of those porn theaters like in old movies?” I took a step back from the seats when I thought of desperate, grunting old men pleasing themselves while watching erotic films on the screen.

  “No,” Landon said. “This is just one room. The club is…” He stopped talking and cleared his throat. “Grab a seat and I’ll start the video.”

  I looked at the seats and shook my head. “I think I’ll stand.”

  “Suit yourself,” Landon said. He moved behind a console with what I assumed were controls for the projector. He pressed a few buttons, and then the machine whirred into action.

  A huge image of my Grandpa Willy filled the screen. It had only been four days since he died but seeing him again felt surprisingly strange. He was smiling, and the bandage on his forehead told me this video hadn’t been filmed long before his death.

  My heart wrenched at the sight of him. I couldn’t help thinking about how strange death was—that one moment, someone could be alive and well with all the invisible little threads that connected them to the world. I liked to think the thread between Grandpa Willy and I had been one of the thickest. But then the fire could just go out inside someone. One moment, they were in there, alive and well. The next, it was just a body.

  Maybe that should have made me feel depressed. Instead, all I felt was my own fire burning brighter. Like all the death I’d seen so close just made me realize how important it was to do something with my life while I had it. It might even be part of what always fascinated me about writing. As long as my writing was still being read, I wouldn’t ever really be gone.

  “This video is for Andi,” he said, looking off to the side more like he was making a note for himself than for me. He fixed his eyes on the camera and his expression changed—blossoming into a happy smile. “Welcome to The Golden Pecker! You’re probably wondering what the hell this place is. Oh, and if you’re sitting in one of those chairs, I’d make sure Landon properly cleaned them first.” He laughed. “It’s strange, knowing he’s there with you. Well, I guess it’s also possible that you refused to listen to him, and nobody will ever see this video, but I’ll assume that’s not the case.”

  “Anyway,” Grandpa continued. “I’m rambling. One of the dangers of getting old, I’m afraid. Welcome to my secret BDSM club.” He paused, lips curling at the corners in amusement. Then he waggled his eyebrows up and down a few times. “Surprise!”

  I turned to look at Landon for confirmation. He spread his hands and gave a little shrug.

  “The reason I asked you to come down here is simple and complicated,” Grandpa said. “But I’m just going to make this as simple as I can. I want to leave a third of my hotel to you. I also want to leave The Golden Pecker to you. But there’s a catch.”

  I turned again, and the look on Landon’s face told me he was hearing all this for the first time, too.

  “Now,” Grandpa said. “I could explain exactly what my plan is. I could go into all sorts of details and unravel the maniacal genius of this little arrangement and what I hope it’ll accomplish, but… But I’m afraid the only way this will work is if I keep you two in the dark. Just understand this: Yes, what I’m about to ask you is incredibly strange and probably highly inappropriate, considering I’ve been like a grandfather to you for so many years.”

  I waited for him to say more. But it’s not what it sounds like, or but I can explain. Instead, he just smiled and shrugged, continuing.

  “You will get a third of my hotel and the club if you complete a little to-do list I’m about to read. If you don’t, it all goes to Landon Collins.”

  I felt lightheaded. When I looked at Landon, he was scowling at the screen in utter confusion. I turned back, letting out a few ragged breaths. To Landon? I felt like I’d just watched a cute little old lady on her way out of church drop a few F-bombs. The only thing stopping me from storming out of the room was that I hadn’t even heard the to-do list yet. I took a few steadying breaths, trying to force a calm I didn’t feel.

  I didn’t even care about the inheritance. I cared about the fact that my Grandpa was making me feel more and more like I didn’t even know him. First, some mysterious grudge with a gorgeous man I’ve never met? Then a secret BDSM club, and now he was dangling my inheritance in front of me and threatening to snatch it away.

  He pressed his lips together in an apologetic smile. “I can practically see the face you’re making right now, Andi. Believe me, I wish I could just lay it all out for you and explain this plain as day. Except I can’t. It’s like I said, the only way this works is if you two are confused as hell. So I’m going to just get to the list. Number one, watch a show in The Red Room. Two, experience bondage. Three, spend an hour in the sensory deprivation chamber. And four—this is the fun one—I want you to spend an entire night as Landon’s submissive. The real deal, too. All the bells and whistles.” He smiled, almost like he could see the disbelief and disgust on my face. “I know, super creepy. But hey, I’ve spent a large part of my life building three of the city’s most successful BDSM sex clubs. On the spectrum of perverted things I’ve done, this barely registers. And if you completely hate me right now, I think I’ll live. Oh wait. No, apparently I didn’t!” Grandpa laughed at his own joke.

  “Is he seriou
s?” I asked Landon.

  Landon shook his head. He didn’t look even slightly amused. His eyes were practically burning holes in the screen.

  “So,” Grandpa said. “I think that wraps it up. Oh. Last thing. Having a team of lawyers tag along to confirm that you complete the list would kind of make it awkward. So I’m putting my complete trust in you, Landon. You’re the only one with the authority to say whether Andi completed the list or not.”

  Grandpa tapped his chin thoughtfully, then held up his finger. “Almost forgot! Landon, you’re most likely planning to do whatever you think would’ve pissed me off the most. But I did want to leave you with one mysterious nugget of information. Finish my list, and you’ll get a reward far greater than the club or money. Ignore the list, and you’ll always have to wonder what the surprise might have been. Hmm, very mysterious. Anyway, I’d better get back to being dead.”

  The video abruptly cut off. Anger and outrage still churned inside me. My brain was still playing catchup—trying to confirm that I’d really heard everything I just thought I did.

  I had to do all of those things or my entire inheritance went to a man I’d just met. There was no way that could be right. Could it?

  “I didn’t even understand half of what was on that list,” I said quietly.

  Landon gave no sign that he’d heard me.

  “And he expects me to do all this weird, perverted stuff with you? What are you, his henchman?” My voice was getting louder as I spoke until I was almost yelling.

  “I’m not a henchman,” Landon said. “I have two degrees from Yale in business and marketing.”

  “Okay. He expects me to do all this weird, perverted stuff with his highly educated henchman?”

  Landon ran his thumb across his stubble, then our eyes met. “I need to think about this.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked.

  “I mean your grandfather just told me the only thing I need to do to claim my share of a multi-million-dollar hotel and the club I spent most of my life building is lie to the lawyers. If I say you refused to attempt the list, it’s all mine, right?”

  I could only stare. That was how grandpa had made it sound. “And that’s what you’re going to do?” I asked quietly. “Ignore what he wanted and lie to the lawyers?”

  He walked toward the doorway and stopped without turning. “I haven’t decided. But if this is the last time I see you, have a nice life, Andi Wainwright.”

  “No wonder he hated you,” I yelled after him. “It was a blind guess, but I was grasping at anything I could to sting Landon back, even if it was just slightly.

  He paused, head down. I thought he was going to say something, but after a few heartbeats, he stepped out into the hallway and left.

  Bree and Audria were waiting up for me in the lobby when I returned. All told, I’d only been gone about half an hour, which seemed hard to believe. It felt like my understanding of the world had been turned on its head, and an hour hadn’t even passed.

  “That look on her face isn’t a good sign,” Bree said. She stood from the armchair she’d been sitting in.

  Audria was still cross legged on the ground. She looked up from her notepad with a hint of interest. “What happened?”

  I explained the entire encounter to them, leaving out the parts where I was embarrassingly attracted to the guy who clearly didn’t mind screwing me out of my inheritance. I may have also embellished a few moments here and there, just to make him sound worse.

  “That doesn’t make sense,” Bree said.

  “Yeah. That’s what I said,” I groaned. Little by little, my anger and outrage were cooling. I didn’t want to be mad at grandpa. His death was still so fresh in my mind that it felt wrong. “But he must have some kind of plan. I mean, he said as much. Maybe I’ll understand if I actually go through with the list?”

  “You’re considering it?” Audria asked. She was looking at me like I was insane.

  “Yes,” I said. “It was his dying wish.”

  “That’s a little dramatic,” Audria said.

  “How? He literally wished it right before he died. Dying wish. Textbook example.”

  Bree nodded slowly. “She does have a point. That sounds a lot like a dying wish to me, Audria.”

  “It doesn’t sound like it’ll matter if you choose to do the list or not,” Audria said. “This Landon guy is just going to go to the lawyers and cut you out of the equation.”

  “Not if I woo him.” I frowned at my own suggestion. “Okay, scratch that. I’m not going to try to woo the guy, but I can at least go find him and try to talk some sense into him.”

  “I wonder if there are going to be videos for us, too,” Bree said.

  “Probably. And I have no idea why it’s starting with me. I mean, other than the obvious fact that I was Grandpa’s favorite.”

  “Yeah,” Audria said. “He liked you so much that he pretty much told a supervillain to take your inheritance unless you go on a sexual scavenger hunt with him.”

  “What about the thing you said,” Bree asked. “Didn’t he promise Landon some kind of greater reward if he got you through the list?”

  “Yeah,” I said. “But what would you choose? A sure thing, or some vague promise from a man you apparently hated more than Paula Deen hates the idea of cooking without butter?”

  “I don’t know,” Bree said. “But the mystery would drive me crazy.”

  “I think he’ll manage,” Audria said. “So, are you really going to go try to talk to him?”

  “I don’t know what else to do,” I said.

  “Wouldn’t you need to know where he is to convince him?” Audria asked.

  “Kind of,” I admitted. “But I know where the club is. He said he had been helping Grandpa Willy run it. Wouldn’t it make sense for him to go back there at some point tonight?”

  “You said he had some kind of cock key. Could you even get in without it?”

  “That can’t be the only way in,” I said. “If it’s a real club with lots of people, then there’s a front entrance. Otherwise, we’d have known about it a long time ago when a constant stream of leather-clad BDSM enthusiasts were parading down to the basement every day.”

  “Good point,” Audria said.

  I pulled my hair back into a ponytail and put on my game face. “It’s time for me to do some detective work. Also, it’s time for me to raid my closet for a convincing outfit to get into a sex club.”

  “Or,” Audria said. “You could just let me pick the lock. If a giant cock was the key, then it’s not a normal lock. I bet you could stick almost anything in there and get it to open.”

  “I’m open to suggestions,” I said.

  Audria unzipped her bag and fished around for a few seconds. She pulled out a floppy, purple dildo with a suction cup on one end.”

  Bree and I both clapped our hands over our eyes and groaned.

  “Jesus,” I said. “Would you stop waving that thing around? And why is it in your school bag? What does—just—”

  “Don’t worry. I keep it washed and sanitized. It’s perfectly sterile,” Audria said, as if that was our primary concern.

  “It’s more about the mental image,” I said. “And you probably fantasize about cell samples or beakers and Bunsen burners. Oh,” I mimicked. “Results would indicate this method of insertion is highly desirable. Oh!” I groaned again.

  Audria shoved it back in her bag and stood. “Are you going to take me down there and show me the hole, or not?”

  “Yes,” I said. “But I need to go to my room and change first.

  I walked into the club wearing the most aggressively conservative outfit I could find. Black turtleneck, thick, baggy black jeans, and even my most padded, ill-fitting bra. The strategy was simple: be invisible.

  All I wanted to do was bust in the place, talk some sense into Landon, and get out.

  Audria’s dildo had worked in the keyhole, but my sisters decided to hang back and let me do this alone.

&
nbsp; I was in the hallway lit by candles again. There was an ominous, lacquered black door at the other end. To my left, the theater room where I’d watched grandpa’s video was empty, but the lights were still on and the projector hummed quietly.

  I took a steadying breath and moved to the black door, pulling it open.

  Quiet, sensual music washed over me.

  I was looking at a large, circular room. Everything I could see was dark paneled wood, leather, or satin. It felt like a porn set for vampires.

  The space was choked with people. The dress code took about a millisecond to figure out. The women wore as little as they could—from strategically placed dental floss to nearly transparent dresses sans underwear. The men wore suits—thank God.

  I spotted Landon sitting at the bar. Behind him, hundreds of bottles of liquor were lit with scarlet light. It had the effect of outlining his broad shoulders in a kind of red glow that I found quite appropriate—considering he was literally the devil.

  I walked right up to him and tapped his shoulder. He only showed me how shocked he was to see me for a split second before smoothing his features.

  “Wow,” he said. He was sitting casually in a bar stool beside a glass of ice water.

  What kind of guy sits at the bar and drinks water?

  I did a little shrug. “I know. I look fantastic.”

  “No. I was going to say, if this is your idea of dressing to fit in…”

  I resisted the urge to tug at my collar, which felt like it was trying to choke the life out of me. “This is my idea of making sure nobody mistakes me as part of this,” I said, gesturing to my left and nearly judo chopping a bare boob. I quickly locked my gaze on Landon’s so I didn’t have to make eye contact with the practically nude woman to my side.

  “It’s a breast,” he said calmly. “I can ask her to let you take a closer look, if you’re curious.”

  “The only thing I’m curious about is what the hell this is doing beneath my Grandpa Willy’s hotel. And how it could be here for my whole life and nobody ever told me. And why—”